Can i not drive my cunt home
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
