Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
im calling her cock vulture from now on
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
