Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
