Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
bl l w
this should be fun to decipher. I'd like to buy a vowel.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Randomize
