Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Randomize
