My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Randomize
