Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
Randomize
