Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
