coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
My vagina just clenched in fear
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Randomize
