I wanna passion pit in your ass
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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