I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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