I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I wish i was in the wii world.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
