I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
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