It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
