Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
