I want to walk on stilts...naked
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
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