go do what you do best...puke behind churches
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
