I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Randomize
