Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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