I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
How would you go about getting a hold of the country star that you slept with and are now potentially pregnant with their baby...?
myspace Music?
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
