We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Randomize
