she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
