it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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