Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Randomize
