A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
