So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
