the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
The air was thick with penises
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
