i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
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