You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Randomize
