I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize