There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
Randomize
