She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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