I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
