What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Randomize
