Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Randomize
