haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
