They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
