I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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