dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Randomize
