I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Everclear isn't food dammit
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
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