Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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