I'm gonna have a badass scar
A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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