God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Randomize
