i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
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