there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
