something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
