Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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