Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
