the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Is it because I queefed?
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Randomize