If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Randomize
