You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
But theres a keg here and me gusta
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
