The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize