i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
