The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
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