Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
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