Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Randomize
