my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Michael Bay diarrhea
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
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