she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
