She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
